Категория: Животни

Животни – вицове, шеги и закачки

Иванчо чува как мърка котката

Иванчо чува как мърка котката и тича при баща си, който е автомонтьор:
– Тате, бързо иди да видиш котката ни!
– Какво има? Какво се е случило?
– Заспала е с включен двигател.

Кажи ми, ще срещна ли скоро някое младо момиче?

Един жабок отишъл при ясновидка и попитал:
– Кажи ми, ще срещна ли скоро някое младо момиче?
Ясновидката отговорила:
– Да, ще я срещнеш!
– Къде – в бар или на парти?
– В часа по биология.

Два прилепа си висяли на един клон и пушили трева.

Два прилепа си висяли на един клон и пушили трева.
Веднага щом си изпушил тревата, единия от тях се изправил на клона, а другия си помислил „ебаси тоя припадна.

Взели лъвът в казармата …

Взели лъвът в казармата и на влизане трябвало да му обръснат гривата.Лъвът негодува:
-Как ще ми обръснете гривата, тва ми е гордостта, достойнството?Ей, плъх, кажи им на тия, как така ще ми бръснат гривата?
-Аз не съм плъх, аз съм таралеж……

Знаеш ли как се убива син слон ?

Двама наркомани си говорят:
– Знаеш ли как се убива син слон?
– С пушка за сини слонове.
– А как се убива червен слон?
– Трябва да се души, докато посинее и после се убива с пушката за сини слонове.
– А как се убива зелен слон?
– Разказват му се мръсни вицове, докато почервенее от срам. После се души, докато посинее и след това се убива с пушката за сини слонове.
– А как се убива жълт слон?
– Глупак, жълти слонове няма!

The New Daily Patriot

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive…